Feelings and what not

Hello everyone ! I'm back again with another post hehehehe ^^

So I was just lazing around and thought I would just blog since I have nothing else to do. I actually really have no idea what to blog about in the first place but I guess I shall just blog about my feelings ? Hahaha so here goes ~

Recently, I haven't been feeling very well emotionally. I broke down a lot and cried a lot the past few nights. I literally feel very hurt by this person and I feel like I'm being made use of. In fact, I've already felt this way a long time back but I always tell myself that nahh I'm just thinking too much. It's like on the day we go out, you're nice and sweet to me and all. You make me feel loved again and make me happy again. You make me feel like yeah you deserve another chance, you'll change for the better. However, it was all fake. It was just a 'one day show' and once it's the next day, everything goes back to normal again. Normal being you not caring about me and treating me like shit again. I always tell myself that you have your good points, not everything about you is bad. I always tell myself that you deserve a second chance ( tbh, I don't think it's only the 2nd, more than that alr ) But yeah, I always tell myself that you will one day wake up and realize what has been happening the past few months. Never have I been affected so much by something like this and it really pains me to be feeling like this all the time. I always ask myself what I did wrong to deserve all this hurt and all this pain. I know that I might have done wrong at some points but I'm pretty sure I've never stopped loving you. Thinking back, I have no idea how I forgave you for the things you've done to me during our r/s. I had no idea how I managed to look past all those and continue on with you. But the fact is I did. Isn't that enough to show you my effort ? And no, I'm not blaming you for all those. I just need you to think back, realize and understand the effort I've put in.All the small notes I wrote to you just to encourage you or just to make you happy. The surprise I planned for you with your bros. Just wake up and realize that even after you sort of cheated on me twice and disappointed me countless of times, I still forgave you and still stood by your side. Even after all the things others said of you, I still stood by you. And yes, I know you did as well. And I know you'll probably say I caused your friendship with some of your friends to be affected but look, I did tell you to spend time with them as well so that they won't say shit but you chose to spend time with me. Yes, I appreciate that but at the end of the day, don't blame me or push everything to me when those people start saying stuff. You might also say that I always want to tag along when you're with your friends and stuff. Truth is, yeah I do. But that's cos I want to be part of you life and to know your friends so that I'll somehow be able to know you as well. If you don't want me to go along then sure. And I'm pretty sure I have let you go out with your bros as well, I didn't really stop you. But oh wells, all of that is over.

And also, I've been starting to really be super angry with myself. I have no idea why but at the end of the day, I blame myself. I hate myself for letting you make use of me. I hate myself for falling into your 'trap' again and again. I hate myself for letting all of my leaders and close friends down when I go back to you again. I know that there are people who are angry with me and are upset with me because of my actions I'm truly sorry to those that I've let down. It's really not easy for me and I know that you guys are trying to help me. I'm struggling as well. All of your opinion really do mean a lot to me. Even though most of the time I fail to listen, I still will think of the words that all of you say. Being called cheap and all those stuff. I know that maybe you people said those stuff to somehow wake me up and motivate me but it does hurt me a hell lot too. I cried when I saw those stuff and I started to really think, am I that bad a person ? I hate letting the people around me down and I really am trying. I'm stuck in between and I really can't take it anymore. Every single night I'm feeling like shit and I blame myself for not hitting all of your ( leader's and friend's ) expectations of me. I hate myself for being like this. And it's very easy for all of you to say, then stop going back, stop caring for him, stop talking to him. But you guys have no idea what I'm going through, really..... There were many times I literally wanted to end my life but I tell myself, I have managed to hold on for so long, surely I can and surely I'll be able to get over all of this. I honestly never knew that it would hurt me so much and that I would take THIS long to get over it. It's already been 3 months. I'm hurting so badly even though on the outside I'm smiling so happily. I'm breaking down even though I tell people that I'm fine and that I'll get over it soon. Sigh, I want to be strong again. I want to be happy 24/7 and I don't want to be feeling this hurt because ugh it sucks and it isn't healthy for me at all.

And you probably wouldn't read this but if you do ( you know who you are ), then please realize the pain that I have felt and still am feeling up till today. You're not perfect but I accepted you for who you were. You yourself said that you never thought I would love someone like you but the truth is I did. And shouldn't you embrace it ? Sigh, it's all too late now.

How I wish that everything is still going okay like how it was before you went for TPrawks. How I wish that you didn't go for that event which caused you to become who you are now. I'm not blaming that event or whatever but I'm just sad to see how loving you were towards me and how everything changed after 19 November.

So yup, let's put all my negative feelings aside and talk about yesterday ( thursday ), I met up with Germs and we had lunch together at Togather cafe. The food was good and it was worth the money. Reasonable priced and I had a good time of sharing and fellowship with her. I'm really thankful for a leader like her that has such a genuine heart and love towards her members. When she first started leading ML30, I was a bit reluctant to share stuff with her cos I wasn't very uncomfortable as she was our new leader, However, as time went on, I became more open and I'm glad I did. I started sharing with her and she really helped me a lot. She would tell me stuff straight up in my face to sort of wake me up. Although she can be quite stern, she can also be very fun and encouraging. Sadly, she's gonna stop leading ML30 around June this year and ugh I'm so sad cos it's a whole new process of having another new cell leader and having to adapt again. Or maybe we won't even have another cell leader joining us but we'll see how things goes. And also, she shared with me her love story and I'm really very happy and excited for her. Joshua is a really good guy and their relationship is such a God-centered and God-honouring one. It really touched my heart when she shared with me her story because this is what I yearn for, this is what I want for myself in the future after going through what I went through the past few months. Germs also gave me a challenge for my first year in Poly, I'm gonna try my best and do whatever it takes to conquer that. It might be hard but I guess I really need to be more convicted in order to do whatever she told me. This year is gonna be a crazy year, I'm kinda excited but yet, kinda afraid. Oh wells, shall just see how everything goes.

That's all for this one. My eyes are really puffy and painful already so I shall head to bed. Have a good rest (: