05/04/15

A little love,

A little encouragement,

Goes a long long way. 

Especially at times like this when I need it the most,

There's none at all. 

Where are you ?

Insecurities.

(( this post contains vulgar content ))

It sucks though.
Sometimes like quick sand.
You struggle  to deal with it, and it just pulls you in deeper.
I often ask myself,
"Why so insecure leh ?"
"Why find it so hard to be confident ?"
"Just be yourself la."
I tried, I really did.
But it still affects me a hell lot.
And I wonder how the heck did my insecurities get so bad ?
I used to be fine.
I used to be so happy with everything in my life.
Everything also happy-go-lucky., don't care one.
What the heck happened ?
I thought to myself, what could make this better ?
These insecurities need to stop because it's affecting every aspect of my life.
But how ?
When people's actions show that you aren't worth anything.
When people couldn't give two shits about you.
When all they do is just judge and talk shit about you.
Then I ask myself,
Why the fuck do I depend on others for self worth ?
Fuck this.
I'll learn to deal with this in time.
I'll just be my own source of encouragement.
I'll get better at this.
I also do need to learn to give less fucks.
No one cares about how you feel.
Not even the people whom you care a lot for.
So why the heck get so bothered by their words right ?
Idk why I'm so upset when I talk about this.
It's just been bothering me.
Ugh.
So done.
Goodbye.

31/03/16

Conflicted feelings, conflicted thoughts.
All tied up in a knot.
If only it is that easy,
To not always feel this lousy.
I've tried many ways,
Telling myself it's okay.
Sure, it got better,
Though I wish that that it could happen faster.
Still, there are things that need to be done.
It cannot all go back to square one.
Still learning, still trying.
Fighting these inner demons till they're all gone.
But till then, it will be tough.
Perhaps I'm just a diamond in the rough.

Trust.

Hello everyone ! I've got the feels to blog tonight so here I am hehehe ^^ Many things have happened the past week and they aren't really very pleasant stuff I would say. But it got me thinking a lot.

I wonder if I could really put my 100% trust in the people around me.
I wonder if people are really genuine in their friendship with me.
I wonder if people truly care or are just kpo.
I wonder if they wanted to know more so they can help or just so that they have more to gossip about.
I wonder if they're really who they portray themselves to be infront of me.

I've always trusted the people around me. Sharing things and being open with them. I didn't think much of whether the things I shared would be kept between the person and I. I didn't bother much because I didn't think that it would affect me. But things started to happened and I can say that I lost trust in people.

I was afraid, really afraid. I guess I still am, a little. Because I didn't know that this was such a scary place to be in. I thought everyone was genuine with each other and truly wanted to invest in friendships, but I was wrong. I guess it was just me who thought that way. I started to see how people really are and I started to question their intentions. During the entire 3 days of shit, there was just this weird feeling in me. I go to school thinking if the person I talk to next would start spreading shit about me that ain't true. My mood was really low because I was confused with everything. It was really overwhelming for me.

I don't understand how people think at times, but I can't blame them either. Truth is, we're just friends and there's really nothing going on. Whether you people out there choose to believe it or not, our conscience is clear. I'm happy that things are much better now and I just hope there won't be a repeat of such stuff.

Okay, that's all I have to say. Reading it through again and it feels so emo nemo HAHAHA. These are just the unpleasant stuff that happened, there were good stuff as well but I'll leave it for another time. Hehehehe okay bye (:

Hello everyone ! 

So I'm back with another blog post and this is gonna be a little different I guess ? I have been thinking a lot recently and yeah why not just write them all here right ? So here goes.....

I miss being loved.
I miss having someone by my side.
I miss goodnight texts.
I miss waking up to the texts from the person I love.
The late night phone and video calls.
Cuddling and just enjoying each other's presence.
But, I miss loving and caring for someone more.
I miss writing post-its to the one I love.
I miss planning random surprises.
I miss giving hugs and kisses.
Running into his arms when I see him from afar.
Buying little gifts just to put a smile on his face.
Giving in just so there won't be a big fight.

To be really honest, I miss having a boyfriend.
Because I know that I have so much to give.
I've learnt so much from my past relationship.
I've learnt how to better love someone.

But then again, I'm afraid.
What if one day he finds someone better than me ?
What if he gets annoyed with me ?
What if he gets bored of me ?
I'm afraid to love again.
Because I gave so much and all I got in return was so much pain and hurt.
I'm afraid that he will leave realizing that I'm not good enough for him.
I'm afraid of break-ups.
I don't want to go through another tough time of endless crying and swollen eyes.
Of breaking down when people ask me about it.
I'm really scared.

But I know, one day, I'll find the one who will love me for who I am.
Who will never leave no matter what happens.
One who would be willing to take walks with me in the park rather than going to shopping malls.
One who would just cuddle with me rather than going on expensive dates.
One who would just have macs with me.
One who wouldn't call me annoying when I start singing but instead, sing with me.
One who would be silly with me and take retarded selfies.
One who can stand my extreme laziness.

One day, I'll be able to find that one.
I'm really excited for what's to come.
I'm looking forward (:

Thoughts.

Dayre isn't enough for me to express all my thoughts so I shall just put them all here. I also reread my previous posts and realize they're all so lengthy and hard to read. Shall change the style a bit and see if it's better. So here goes....

If only you would understand how I feel. It's really ironic how you say you miss everything and all but yet your actions show otherwise. Stop making me confuse, make a decision and stick to it. You're not even proving yourself. No action, talk only. Why am I even surprised right ? It has always been like this. And if you're only coming up with this 'conclusion' after reading whatever I've said on my dayre, then sure, just leave because you're not even worth it. I need someone who's willing to fight for me. And obviously, you aren't gonna do that.

You don't miss me, you miss the memories.

You don't miss me, you only miss the things you can do with me.

If you truly missed me, you would've talked to me and at least try again. But no you didn't. You don't even say hi to me in school when you walk past me. So much for missing me ? And for goodness sake, stop saying stuff that you don't mean. I'm not gonna be vulnerable anymore before you. I'm gonna stand my ground because I'm not gonna let you use me again. Tired of being your puppet. Tired of being your sidekick. You made me feel so worthless, as if I'm not important at all. All I ever was to you was someone you come to and find comfort in when you have no one else to turn to. You take it for granted that I'll always be here for you. Screw you for that.

"You deserve someone so much better Shannon.

Move on and you'll find someone who's so much more worth your time and effort."

Yeah I agree. I'm already on my way to 100% getting over you because you aren't worth my time. You were supposed to think through your feelings and get back to me. I thought you were gonna prove me wrong but well, you're still the same. It's fine, really. You're not important anymore. I rather

invest my time into other things that are more worth.

And you. I appreciate that you're being so nice to me and that you've told me those stuff. Thank you for being brave and for being honest with me. However, I'm just caught up with many things now and I really need some time away to think through everything. I'm not ready yet and I'm not sure when I will ever be ready. I don't want to be giving you high hopes because I never know what might happen in the future. What if I reject you in the end and you get hurt ? Then words will spread and I will be labelled as a bitch for giving you high hopes which I might not even know of. Sure we can continue talking, but, it would just be as friends. Boundaries have to be set and you have to watch your words. We are not even together and you're growing so attached already ? This isn't a good thing at all. You need to know your limits. It's starting to get a little annoying or maybe it's just me being so irritated with everything that's going on. Let's just give each other time. 

And there's so much more that's bothering me and I'm really really really tired...

MSTs are coming and I'm gonna be so screwed for it. I want to do well but ugh, I can't seem to concentrate on studying with so many things going on in my head. Feel like I wasted my entire Saturday away ): Sometimes I just need someone who will always be there and will tahan all my shit and emotional breakdowns. Just a simple are you okay will really help. Oh wells, I need to get my shit together and get through this.

Oh one more thing ! This is a happy one. I was just texting one of my close girl friends last night and we had a really good talk even though it was a short one. That made me realize how much I miss my secondary school friends and how life in secondary school was so much more simpler. And have I ever mentioned how much I love to see the people around me happy ? Yeah, I guess I did manage to cheer her up a little and it made me feel better as well. I love seeing people happy, like genuinely happy. I'm trying to find that genuine happiness as well. Yes, I'm always smiling and laughing, I seem to be very happy. But am I truly happy ? Oh wells, no mater what, I'm still gonna try to find joy in little things and smile all the time. 

And it's still lengthy la omgggg I tried okay...... Okay la that's all for this one. I'll blog again when I have something to talk about or when I have nothing else to do hehehe bye (:

HELLO ^^

HELLO ! So it's been 2 months since my last blog post and since I'm free, I decided to do one !

Many things have happen the past 2 months, be it good or bad. Poly have already started for me and oh my goodness I'm feeling very stress already because of the many assignments that are given to us. But it's okay, I'll get through this. And also, HSS FO ended about a month ago and it was really fun ! Met many new people and my GLs were really nice and welcoming ! The games we played during FO were great as well ! Never regretted coming into HSS because HSS is a small school compared to the other schools and that's really good because we're like a family. Almost everyone knows each other or have at least seen each other around before. It's really cool also because HSS won the Olympiad this year. It's been very long since HSS won so this year's win was a huge one ! 

Moving on, I've made new friends in my class and they're all really nice ! My clique consists of 9 girls and I guess my clique is the craziest in the class. Always making a lot of noise and all, during lectures as well. But yeah, really thankful for this bunch of girls. Although we just met not long ago, they are really my good friends. They are the ones who make me look forward to coming to school. They make school so much more bearable for me ! We also coordinate our outfits and it's really funny cos one day we decided to all wear jeans and omg worst decision ever because it was really humid that day ! Since then, we never proposed wearing jeans hahahahahahahahha. 

And here comes the rather sad part. I find it weird how out of thousands of people in TP, I still see you around. We are both from different schools and our classes are at different places but yet we still bump into each other ? My friends used to tell me 'Aiya, TP so big, confirm you both won't see each other one. Plus you both from different schools eh.' I agreed very much with them in the past, what's the odds of seeing each other in school right. And it's like 1% of the reason why I chose ECS is because I won't see you. If not confirm see you every week at least once in lecture hall cos we would be in the same course. But like no use ah because I still see you around leh. But I'm happy to say that I'm better now emotionally compared to before. Last time when I see you in school, I would try my best to ignore or to just not care because I would be reminded of the memories and would get really sad. But now, I would say hi to you when we see each other in school because you're just like a friend to me now, not much of an ex. We met last Sunday and I am really glad we had that short catch up. It somehow affirmed the decision that I made awhile ago. Letting go of someone whom you held so dear to your heart is really not easy at all. It takes many many many nights of crying and many many tubs of, erm, ice cream and tons of food. It is not impossible, it just takes time. There would be times where you really want to give up and to just poof, disappear from this world. I had that thought but I'm glad I held on. There would be times where you really want to just go back into his/her arms but you realise and cry over the fact that it's over. Sometimes I ask myself, why do people get into a relationship only to break up in the end ? Why start something that you are gonna end ? I don't get it, up till now, I still don't. It just sucks la to be going through all this shit. But ultimately, my mind is set on the decision that I have to let go and I have to get over you because this isn't worth my time. I have better things to worry and to care about. I rather spend my time investing in friendships than brooding over something that is of no use to me. Save those tears because it isn't worth it. I just hope you're doing fine and please don't tease me anymore with any other guy. I'm not ready and probably won't be until a very long time later. Putting all these to an end and I'm on my road to recovery and being 100% happy (:

Okay enough of those emo nemo. Recently, I went for Music Vox Auditions ! I went with my good friend Germaine and we were so nervous. First round of auditions was last week and we were really unsure of how it would turn out. I still remember that I was still unsure of my song choice until the day itself. After much contemplation, I decided to sing The Show by Lenka ! While I was backstage waiting for my turn to go up, I was so so so super nervous. And here's the thing, when I'm nervous or when I sing infront of a large crowd of people whom are unfamiliar to me, my cheeks would shiver (?) and I won't be able to sing well. However, when I went on stage, my cheeks didn't shiver as much as I thought it would ???? And plus I embarassed myself oh my goodness. So normally people would say the song they're gonna sing before they start singing but I didn't and jumped straight into it. And then I stopped and was like 'Oh oh oh yeah, I'm singing The Show by Lenka.' When I did this, everyone in the audi laughed and I laughed as well. This helped boost my confidence a little because I felt more relaxed. And so I started singing and I was really happy because I think I did quite well ! The results were gonna be out probably like on Friday or something so I just waited. I was just sitting at MP on last Friday evening and my phone vibrated. I checked and was like 'OMG I GOT IN OMG OMG OMG !!!!!!!!' I was literally so happy I squealed and hugged my friends ! The amount of happiness that day was really too much ! I've never felt so happy before in a long time and I'm really grateful that I got through to the second round ! Germaine got through as well so YAY ! And then, we needed to worry for second round audition which happened earlier this week. Germaine and I went on Tuesday. Same thing, I was unsure of what to sing. At first I wanted to sing Put Your Records On but when I was typing into the laptop, I realised that there were many others who were singing that song as well ! So I decided to change to I Can't Make You Love Me instead. BUT THEN, when I was in the audi and the contestants started singing, I decided to change back again. So I ended up singing Put Your Records On. This time, I came out of auditions feeling very down because I felt as if I could've done better. The high notes were not as smooth ): It also took me quite awhile to figure out the key they wanted me to transpose to. But at least the harmonising part was still ok ! I just hope that I would be able to get in because I really like to sing. My voice isn't the nicest and there's still a lot I need to learn but yeah I really really really wish I can get in >< Let's just see the results tmr ! If I get in, I swear I'll go crazy and start hugging everyone. Ok maybe not everyone but yaaaaaaaaaa.

So it's 230am now, I should go to sleep. HEHEHE GOODNIGHT ^^